As I approach my senior year of high school, there’s a lot of pressure to make big decisions. Where I’m going to college, what classes to take, what to major in- should I take a minor? AP? Public or private? Paper or plastic? It’s a lot of questions.
And I don’t have the answers.
I am not a person who likes unknowns. They make me uncomfortable; in the way that sometimes I lay in bed, hands underneath my back in a desperate attempt to stay still, my mind in a race with my heart to see which can leap out of my body first. It always ends with me lurching out of bed, and pacing, listening to pop music to forget about the inevitable future. I’m used to just knowing the answers. In high school, every answer you have to give is concrete. You bubble in a circle, and a machine tells you whether you were right, or wrong. Whether you were a success, or a failure. And to be frank, I’ve almost always been a success, by high school terms.
But the truth is is that success in high school doesn’t matter. And neither does failure. High school is a 4 year money-back guaranteed free trial. If you fail a test, your grade goes down; if you pass, it goes up. Even if you fail a class, you can still move forward. People even encourage some failures, if only for motivation’s sake. And even then- if you fail a grade? You get another chance. Fail a couple grades? Get your GED. There’s always a fallback.
But once you leave high school, the lines blur- success isn’t so easily defined, and neither is failure. You have to create your own definition. That’s what I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been living in a world where I’ve lived others’ expectations, tried to live in others’ dreams, tried to conform to what I have been told will lead to the dreamy, financially stable life I am supposed to long for.
Because let’s face it- real life scares most of us. That now, once we leave school, there aren’t those strict definitions, people get scared- just like I do. So, once again, people tried to put in place a universal route to success. But that’s faltering now, too. Jobs become scarce- college doesn’t necessarily mean a bright future, marriages don’t always last, and families don’t always love each other. But somehow, through all this, people still cling to their white picket fence, and place false trust in this formula that it will all be okay.
I’ve never been happy with this. Thinking of living in a home with a white picket fence, with a loving spouse and a couple kids- it doesn’t sound like a dream to me. It sounds confining. And I know so many people will tell me that I am wrong- that the idea will grow on me, or that I’m just young, or that it’ll just happen inevitably, like it happens to so many others. Surely it isn’t a death sentence, but I just can’t see myself being happy that way.
I am sick and tired of being unhappy. That’s not how life should be. I don’t want my high school years to be my best years just because they were the clearest. I don’t want it to define me, so that in my future I desperately try to relive them through reunions and old yearbooks. I recognize that high school is a formative time. But the mold has not formed completely yet.
I see myself being happy when I’m creating. I want to live in a big city, share an apartment, experience a blending of cultures and attitudes and languages that you can’t see anywhere else. I want to write, I want to experiment, I want a lot. I want to wrap myself in the good, and the bad, and the grey, and everything else humanity has to offer.
I am told constantly that this is not realistic. That because of where I come from, I need to tone down my expectations. But again- I don’t want to be sad the rest of my life. Honestly, I’ve had enough of sadness already. Death is inevitable- one day, we all will end. I don’t want to have spent any more time than I needed to in regret, or mourning the life I could have led. I have one life to live. This I know- of what happens afterward, I do not.
So I am not sorry that I will not conform. It has never been my dream to. One day, if I fancy it, I will settle down in the traditional way. But for right now? I have a lot of dreams I plan to make a reality.
Maybe I do sound ridiculous. Who knows? I welcome scoffs-I don’t expect anyone to understand my thoughts. And the American dream, like all dreams, is flawed. And that’s fine- if that’s what you want, pursue it. Just don’t force me to as well. All I know right now is that life presents itself with very few opportunities to openly chase happiness- and it offers no do-overs.
I define success as being happy- however you find it, as long as it harms no one else. Being young is not the time to become a hardened realist. You have another 70 or so years for that. Dream now, and dream big. That way you have your entire life to live it.
And if you’re no longer young? Dream too. You still have time- give your thoughts and desires physical presence. Manifest yourself through your work, your heart, your love. Life is complicated- how could it not be? Look at the biological processes that move you through this world. Look at the wonder your body is creating without you even trying. Now think about what you could do if you put your mind to it.
Define your success as pursuing happiness, and you can not fail, as long as you try.
Today’s feel good song of the day.
Take care of yourself, please. I love you all!
Triumph and Charm 